Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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