i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
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what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
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I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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