God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
