There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
