I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
