I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
