If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
