you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I lost the right to judge tonight
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
