I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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