i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
