Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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