I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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