How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
