oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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