i barfeds in our rink
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
