Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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