i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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