my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Drake has all the answers
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
