I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
