Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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