I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
