Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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