Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
