Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
