it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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