ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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