I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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