Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
