I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's not a foreskin expert like you
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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