There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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