I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
