The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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