Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
