I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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