He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
