I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
