There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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