Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
