I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
