I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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