we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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