That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
