i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
