somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
