You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
