ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
