God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
