Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
