Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
