Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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