I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
it's great music for shaving your balls
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
