Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
