i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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