You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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