new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
