o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
