We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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