After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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