ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
