This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I look better un-naked...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
